Decoding The Photographer

Us landscape photographers are a strange breed, we have our strange ways and rituals of which the rest of civilisation don't seem to understand but they all seem to make perfect sense to us.

God forbid you are a partner of a landscape photographer and you must spend half your life wondering what they hell they are going on about, but help is at hand.

 Here is your essential guide to what they say but actually mean.

The clouds look great = love, can I go out ?

I borrowed this from a friend = Ive bought my own and hoping you won't notice

Moody seascape = There was no light but I wanted to post something anyway

Im going to stay home this weekend and help you with the jobs = The weathers crap

Im busy working = Im on Instagram

My camera is playing up = Im laying foundations to get a new one

Car park location = I couldn't be bothered to walk

Its looking tasty = sunset might be nice

Its all gonna go off = Im expecting an epic sunset but will probably be disappointed

There will be others = I wasn't allowed out and missed a belter of a sunset

I love you so much = Can I go out please

I've bought you a new handbag = Im going to buy a camera and don't want you to be mad

It was just nice to be out = I didn't get a single shot

Treasure Hunter = Weathers crap, I'll find old pictures to re edit

I'll edit your picture = I've run out of pictures to edit

I'll edit your picture *V2 = Your edit is terrible, I can do it better

Im an Influencer = My ego is huge, make way

The mistress = Your camera, partners often show excessive jealousy towards them

Full time photographer = Unemployed

Pro = I go on weekends

Semi Pro = I own a camera

Amateur = Honest

Inspired by = I copied the idea

Presets = Money for nothing

I recommend Mirrorball = I was paid to say this, and will advertise literally anything

Work delivery = Items sent to work so the other half doesn't find out

Do you rate it ? = Should I buy one

Fancy a holiday ? = Ive booked the lake district

I need to finish off some work = Im going to edit in another room

Undisclosed location = Don't ask me where this is

Unique twist on a picture = Exactly the same

Honey Pot Location = Shot to death

Options paralysis = I don't know where to go

Where are you going ? = Can I come with you

Stealth Mode = Im not meant to be shooting here

Its OK = Its terrible but I don't want to tell you

I value your opinion = Im annoyed you said it was crap

Working late = Shooting sunset

I got a pass = The other half said I can go out

I refuse to shoot poppies = I couldn't find any

I don't want free stuff = I really want free stuff

I gave it a boost = I saturated the life out of the picture

Hardly edited at all = I pushed every button in photoshop, twice

Crunchy = I smashed the clarity slider

Subtle vignette = So dark satanist are scared of it

It just needs a tweak = Re edit it, its rubbish

Smash that like button = I need your validation

Smash that subscribe button = I think ill get free stuff if enough of you do

Slave to the algorithm = Has to post a picture every day no matter how poor or they will die

Insta Lifer = Shares every last detail of their life on Instagram till they get blocked

Blocked = They annoyed me so much I couldn't look at them anymore

Daily exercise = Covert photo mission (#Wronguns)

Daily exercise = Changing the TV channel (#StayAtHome)

What do you think of this ? = I love it, tell me how great it is

Poor engagement = They paid for their followers

Shall we go together = You can drive

Bank of cloud = Photo killer

Clear sky = Photo Killer

Moody *in terms of partner = Bad

Moody *in terms of sky = Good

I had a result = Todays pictures rocked !

Im having a break from photography = I've shot everything to death and am bored

Heaton = Photographers spelling mistake, context "He pulled a Heaton" PS Sorry Tom ;)

Such a moody sky = You've added too many grad filters

Compstomp = Standing in another photographers footprints to get the same picture

Village Idiot = Drone pilot

Follow for Follow = I'll delete you in 5

Like for Like = Im desperate for anything

Like Buyer = Likes everyones pictures no matter how bad, hoping they will return the favour

We might get lucky tonight = Guaranteed not to as soon as this is uttered

Secret location = You were the last to find out about it

Long hike = Bit further than the car park

Lightweight = Very slightly lighter than a normal one but treble the price

Where was that taken = I couldn't be bothered to look

Award Wining Photographer = Camera Club certificate

Group Chat = Discussion of other photographers failings #BitchFest

Return visit = I got a crap pic last time

Tweaked in post = This wasn't anything like what I saw

Self taught = I watched YouTube

This is a stunning shot, Love Love LOVE = Please comment on my picture

Power Move = Landscapes getting no likes on Insta, Posts a bikini shot, likes x 1000

Sorry, I slept through my alarm = I didn't want to go with you really

Would suit a beginner = Crap quality, maybe already broken

I don't post process = I have no idea how to

I love being outside = I love getting away from the wife

I recommend this = Affiliate link, pay me

Couple of dust spots there = Clean your sensor for the hundredth time

I binned all the shots = I kept them and tried to rework them again before binning them.

Love those blue tones = You really need to fix those colour casts

I love this, BUT = Im about to ruin you

I know *Insert famous photographers name = I once sent them an instagram message, they haven't replied yet

Thats so sharp = I can see halos everywhere

So much detail = You smashed the shadow slider, hard

I know the area well = Ive been once

Black & White = Looked crap in colour, photo rescue

Free range tourist = Someone walked in front of my shot

Beach Rat = Tourist

Filters = Camera sunglasses

Big Stopper = Milky water maker

Idiographer = Photographer who still goes out during lockdown

Part timer = Only shoots in good weather

Social engagement = Your partners failsafe way of telling you your not going out

I don't care I missed sunset = Inside I'm crying

Blue Hour = I couldn't wait for sunrise and got here early

Golden Hour = The time partners are programmed to ask you to do jobs

Slightly over done = Your picture made my eyes bleed

Blood Moon = Seven days of moon pics on instagram

Windy this weekend = See you at Porthcawl lighthouse

Private land = Photographers welcome

Light House = Photographers homing beacon

Repeat offender = Posts pictures of same sunset every day for three weeks from slightly different angle

Instagram Questions = Please interact with me

Instagram Poll = Identify people who secretly hate you

Silent Witness = Person who looks at everything you post on instagram but never comments or likes

North Dorset = The location given to anywhere when you don't want to reveal the real location.

Boomerang = The location you keep returning too

Low tide = Coastal strip show

Waterfall = Photographer jedi mind trick to make you only do long exposures

Ledge = Photographer sea magnet

Night Crawler = Astro Photographer

Lone Wolf = Photographer who only shoots alone, hates everyone

Squad = Photography group who insist on tagging everyone in everything, each, twice

Expose To The Right ETTR = I blew out my highlights

Underexposed = I got it badly wrong

High Contrast = I was shooting at mid day

Low Contrast = It was grey, I should have stayed at home

Saturation slider = Magic like button, pictures gain 100 plus extra likes, often overused

Insta Ruined = Your once quiet location now flooded with people, thanks Instagram

The Quiz Master = Never stops asking you questions

Rainbow picture = I got very wet to show you this

Waterproofs = Photographer invincibility cloak

Camo gear = Do not disturb

The Clown = Bright florescent gear, can be seen from moon

Plate spinner = Monopod user

The Flasher = Newbie who's flash pops up on every shot even in bright sunshine

The Beeper = The 2 second timer user who hasn't turned their volume off

The Tipsy Shooter = Wonky horizon offender

The Holy Roller = The angriest photographer alive, shouts Jesus Christ often when gear fails

Looks nice way over there = Please go away

Amazing light = The holy grail of the photographer

Non stop rain = Photography apocalypse

The Amnesiac = Constant offender of stealing your lens cloth, claims they forgot #Lies

The Del Boy = Always has something for sale

The Stunt Man = Member of your squad who falls over at any venue you visit

The Frog Man = The member of your squad who always gets wet feet at the coast

Michael Fish = Squad member who makes weather predictions and constantly gets it wrong

The Low Rider = Squad member who shoots everything at ground level

The Builder = Like the low rider, but with a builders bum on display constantly

Spray & Pray = Takes so many shots they fill memory cards in minutes

The Statue = Waits for the perfect shot refusing to move till they get it, Dedication

The Removal Man = Carries more gear than you thought possible, just in case.

Well I hope you all enjoyed the translations of landscape photographers and I hope you all take it in good humour as it was meant, absolutely no offence to anyone.

Trying to put a smile on your faces during these very tough times and have a giggle with each other.

I started this blog on my own but after about 60 I asked some fellow photographers to help me with them and they didn't disappoint, some great laughs were had by all and 90% of suggestions were deemed unprintable but a big thank you to all the lads who joined in and have been keeping us all entertained during lockdown.

If this blog has put a smile on your face then please share it with others and hopefully lift their spirits a bit too, everyone deserves a laugh in these tough times.

Keep smiling everyone, stay safe & stay inside.

Daniel Wretham

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