Us landscape photographers are a strange breed, we have our strange ways and rituals of which the rest of civilisation don't seem to understand but they all seem to make perfect sense to us.
God forbid you are a partner of a landscape photographer and you must spend half your life wondering what they hell they are going on about, but help is at hand.
Here is your essential guide to what they say but actually mean.
The clouds look great = love, can I go out ?
I borrowed this from a friend = Ive bought my own and hoping you won't notice
Moody seascape = There was no light but I wanted to post something anyway
Im going to stay home this weekend and help you with the jobs = The weathers crap
Im busy working = Im on Instagram
My camera is playing up = Im laying foundations to get a new one
Car park location = I couldn't be bothered to walk
Its looking tasty = sunset might be nice
Its all gonna go off = Im expecting an epic sunset but will probably be disappointed
There will be others = I wasn't allowed out and missed a belter of a sunset
I love you so much = Can I go out please
I've bought you a new handbag = Im going to buy a camera and don't want you to be mad
It was just nice to be out = I didn't get a single shot
Treasure Hunter = Weathers crap, I'll find old pictures to re edit
I'll edit your picture = I've run out of pictures to edit
I'll edit your picture *V2 = Your edit is terrible, I can do it better
Im an Influencer = My ego is huge, make way
The mistress = Your camera, partners often show excessive jealousy towards them
Full time photographer = Unemployed
Pro = I go on weekends
Semi Pro = I own a camera
Amateur = Honest
Inspired by = I copied the idea
Presets = Money for nothing
I recommend Mirrorball = I was paid to say this, and will advertise literally anything
Work delivery = Items sent to work so the other half doesn't find out
Do you rate it ? = Should I buy one
Fancy a holiday ? = Ive booked the lake district
I need to finish off some work = Im going to edit in another room
Undisclosed location = Don't ask me where this is
Unique twist on a picture = Exactly the same
Honey Pot Location = Shot to death
Options paralysis = I don't know where to go
Where are you going ? = Can I come with you
Stealth Mode = Im not meant to be shooting here
Its OK = Its terrible but I don't want to tell you
I value your opinion = Im annoyed you said it was crap
Working late = Shooting sunset
I got a pass = The other half said I can go out
I refuse to shoot poppies = I couldn't find any
I don't want free stuff = I really want free stuff
I gave it a boost = I saturated the life out of the picture
Hardly edited at all = I pushed every button in photoshop, twice
Crunchy = I smashed the clarity slider
Subtle vignette = So dark satanist are scared of it
It just needs a tweak = Re edit it, its rubbish
Smash that like button = I need your validation
Smash that subscribe button = I think ill get free stuff if enough of you do
Slave to the algorithm = Has to post a picture every day no matter how poor or they will die
Insta Lifer = Shares every last detail of their life on Instagram till they get blocked
Blocked = They annoyed me so much I couldn't look at them anymore
Daily exercise = Covert photo mission (#Wronguns)
Daily exercise = Changing the TV channel (#StayAtHome)
What do you think of this ? = I love it, tell me how great it is
Poor engagement = They paid for their followers
Shall we go together = You can drive
Bank of cloud = Photo killer
Clear sky = Photo Killer
Moody *in terms of partner = Bad
Moody *in terms of sky = Good
I had a result = Todays pictures rocked !
Im having a break from photography = I've shot everything to death and am bored
Heaton = Photographers spelling mistake, context "He pulled a Heaton" PS Sorry Tom ;)
Such a moody sky = You've added too many grad filters
Compstomp = Standing in another photographers footprints to get the same picture
Village Idiot = Drone pilot
Follow for Follow = I'll delete you in 5
Like for Like = Im desperate for anything
Like Buyer = Likes everyones pictures no matter how bad, hoping they will return the favour
We might get lucky tonight = Guaranteed not to as soon as this is uttered
Secret location = You were the last to find out about it
Long hike = Bit further than the car park
Lightweight = Very slightly lighter than a normal one but treble the price
Where was that taken = I couldn't be bothered to look
Award Wining Photographer = Camera Club certificate
Group Chat = Discussion of other photographers failings #BitchFest
Return visit = I got a crap pic last time
Tweaked in post = This wasn't anything like what I saw
Self taught = I watched YouTube
This is a stunning shot, Love Love LOVE = Please comment on my picture
Power Move = Landscapes getting no likes on Insta, Posts a bikini shot, likes x 1000
Sorry, I slept through my alarm = I didn't want to go with you really
Would suit a beginner = Crap quality, maybe already broken
I don't post process = I have no idea how to
I love being outside = I love getting away from the wife
I recommend this = Affiliate link, pay me
Couple of dust spots there = Clean your sensor for the hundredth time
I binned all the shots = I kept them and tried to rework them again before binning them.
Love those blue tones = You really need to fix those colour casts
I love this, BUT = Im about to ruin you
I know *Insert famous photographers name = I once sent them an instagram message, they haven't replied yet
Thats so sharp = I can see halos everywhere
So much detail = You smashed the shadow slider, hard
I know the area well = Ive been once
Black & White = Looked crap in colour, photo rescue
Free range tourist = Someone walked in front of my shot
Beach Rat = Tourist
Filters = Camera sunglasses
Big Stopper = Milky water maker
Idiographer = Photographer who still goes out during lockdown
Part timer = Only shoots in good weather
Social engagement = Your partners failsafe way of telling you your not going out
I don't care I missed sunset = Inside I'm crying
Blue Hour = I couldn't wait for sunrise and got here early
Golden Hour = The time partners are programmed to ask you to do jobs
Slightly over done = Your picture made my eyes bleed
Blood Moon = Seven days of moon pics on instagram
Windy this weekend = See you at Porthcawl lighthouse
Private land = Photographers welcome
Light House = Photographers homing beacon
Repeat offender = Posts pictures of same sunset every day for three weeks from slightly different angle
Instagram Questions = Please interact with me
Instagram Poll = Identify people who secretly hate you
Silent Witness = Person who looks at everything you post on instagram but never comments or likes
North Dorset = The location given to anywhere when you don't want to reveal the real location.
Boomerang = The location you keep returning too
Low tide = Coastal strip show
Waterfall = Photographer jedi mind trick to make you only do long exposures
Ledge = Photographer sea magnet
Night Crawler = Astro Photographer
Lone Wolf = Photographer who only shoots alone, hates everyone
Squad = Photography group who insist on tagging everyone in everything, each, twice
Expose To The Right ETTR = I blew out my highlights
Underexposed = I got it badly wrong
High Contrast = I was shooting at mid day
Low Contrast = It was grey, I should have stayed at home
Saturation slider = Magic like button, pictures gain 100 plus extra likes, often overused
Insta Ruined = Your once quiet location now flooded with people, thanks Instagram
The Quiz Master = Never stops asking you questions
Rainbow picture = I got very wet to show you this
Waterproofs = Photographer invincibility cloak
Camo gear = Do not disturb
The Clown = Bright florescent gear, can be seen from moon
Plate spinner = Monopod user
The Flasher = Newbie who's flash pops up on every shot even in bright sunshine
The Beeper = The 2 second timer user who hasn't turned their volume off
The Tipsy Shooter = Wonky horizon offender
The Holy Roller = The angriest photographer alive, shouts Jesus Christ often when gear fails
Looks nice way over there = Please go away
Amazing light = The holy grail of the photographer
Non stop rain = Photography apocalypse
The Amnesiac = Constant offender of stealing your lens cloth, claims they forgot #Lies
The Del Boy = Always has something for sale
The Stunt Man = Member of your squad who falls over at any venue you visit
The Frog Man = The member of your squad who always gets wet feet at the coast
Michael Fish = Squad member who makes weather predictions and constantly gets it wrong
The Low Rider = Squad member who shoots everything at ground level
The Builder = Like the low rider, but with a builders bum on display constantly
Spray & Pray = Takes so many shots they fill memory cards in minutes
The Statue = Waits for the perfect shot refusing to move till they get it, Dedication
The Removal Man = Carries more gear than you thought possible, just in case.
Well I hope you all enjoyed the translations of landscape photographers and I hope you all take it in good humour as it was meant, absolutely no offence to anyone.
Trying to put a smile on your faces during these very tough times and have a giggle with each other.
I started this blog on my own but after about 60 I asked some fellow photographers to help me with them and they didn't disappoint, some great laughs were had by all and 90% of suggestions were deemed unprintable but a big thank you to all the lads who joined in and have been keeping us all entertained during lockdown.
If this blog has put a smile on your face then please share it with others and hopefully lift their spirits a bit too, everyone deserves a laugh in these tough times.
Keep smiling everyone, stay safe & stay inside.
Daniel Wretham
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