• Daniel Wretham

Decoding The Photographer

Updated: Apr 15

Us landscape photographers are a strange breed, we have our strange ways and rituals of which the rest of civilisation don't seem to understand but they all seem to make perfect sense to us.

God forbid you are a partner of a landscape photographer and you must spend half your life wondering what they hell they are going on about, but help is at hand.

Here is your essential guide to what they say but actually mean.


The clouds look great = love, can I go out ?


I borrowed this from a friend = Ive bought my own and hoping you won't notice


Moody seascape = There was no light but I wanted to post something anyway


Im going to stay home this weekend and help you with the jobs = The weathers crap


Im busy working = Im on Instagram


My camera is playing up = Im laying foundations to get a new one


Car park location = I couldn't be bothered to walk


Its looking tasty = sunset might be nice


Its all gonna go off = Im expecting an epic sunset but will probably be disappointed


There will be others = I wasn't allowed out and missed a belter of a sunset


I love you so much = Can I go out please


I've bought you a new handbag = Im going to buy a camera and don't want you to be mad


It was just nice to be out = I didn't get a single shot


Treasure Hunter = Weathers crap, I'll find old pictures to re edit


I'll edit your picture = I've run out of pictures to edit


I'll edit your picture *V2 = Your edit is terrible, I can do it better


Im an Influencer = My ego is huge, make way


The mistress = Your camera, partners often show excessive jealousy towards them


Full time photographer = Unemployed


Pro = I go on weekends


Semi Pro = I own a camera


Amateur = Honest


Inspired by = I copied the idea


Presets = Money for nothing


I recommend Mirrorball = I was paid to say this, and will advertise literally anything


Work delivery = Items sent to work so the other half doesn't find out


Do you rate it ? = Should I buy one


Fancy a holiday ? = Ive booked the lake district


I need to finish off some work = Im going to edit in another room


Undisclosed location = Don't ask me where this is


Unique twist on a picture = Exactly the same


Honey Pot Location = Shot to death


Options paralysis = I don't know where to go


Where are you going ? = Can I come with you


Stealth Mode = Im not meant to be shooting here


Its OK = Its terrible but I don't want to tell you


I value your opinion = Im annoyed you said it was crap


Working late = Shooting sunset


I got a pass = The other half said I can go out


I refuse to shoot poppies = I couldn't find any


I don't want free stuff = I really want free stuff


I gave it a boost = I saturated the life out of the picture


Hardly edited at all = I pushed every button in photoshop, twice


Crunchy = I smashed the clarity slider


Subtle vignette = So dark satanist are scared of it


It just needs a tweak = Re edit it, its rubbish


Smash that like button = I need your validation


Smash that subscribe button = I think ill get free stuff if enough of you do


Slave to the algorithm = Has to post a picture every day no matter how poor or they will die


Insta Lifer = Shares every last detail of their life on Instagram till they get blocked


Blocked = They annoyed me so much I couldn't look at them anymore


Daily exercise = Covert photo mission (#Wronguns)


Daily exercise = Changing the TV channel (#StayAtHome)


What do you think of this ? = I love it, tell me how great it is


Poor engagement = They paid for their followers


Shall we go together = You can drive


Bank of cloud = Photo killer


Clear sky = Photo Killer


Moody *in terms of partner = Bad


Moody *in terms of sky = Good


I had a result = Todays pictures rocked !


Im having a break from photography = I've shot everything to death and am bored


Heaton = Photographers spelling mistake, context "He pulled a Heaton" PS Sorry Tom ;)


Such a moody sky = You've added too many grad filters


Compstomp = Standing in another photographers footprints to get the same picture


Village Idiot = Drone pilot


Follow for Follow = I'll delete you in 5


Like for Like = Im desperate for anything


Like Buyer = Likes everyones pictures no matter how bad, hoping they will return the favour


We might get lucky tonight = Guaranteed not to as soon as this is uttered


Secret location = You were the last to find out about it


Long hike = Bit further than the car park


Lightweight = Very slightly lighter than a normal one but treble the price


Where was that taken = I couldn't be bothered to look


Award Wining Photographer = Camera Club certificate


Group Chat = Discussion of other photographers failings #BitchFest


Return visit = I got a crap pic last time


Tweaked in post = This wasn't anything like what I saw


Self taught = I watched YouTube


This is a stunning shot, Love Love LOVE = Please comment on my picture


Power Move = Landscapes getting no likes on Insta, Posts a bikini shot, likes x 1000


Sorry, I slept through my alarm = I didn't want to go with you really


Would suit a beginner = Crap quality, maybe already broken


I don't post process = I have no idea how to


I love being outside = I love getting away from the wife


I recommend this = Affiliate link, pay me


Couple of dust spots there = Clean your sensor for the hundredth time


I binned all the shots = I kept them and tried to rework them again before binning them.


Love those blue tones = You really need to fix those colour casts


I love this, BUT = Im about to ruin you


I know *Insert famous photographers name = I once sent them an instagram message, they haven't replied yet


Thats so sharp = I can see halos everywhere


So much detail = You smashed the shadow slider, hard


I know the area well = Ive been once


Black & White = Looked crap in colour, photo rescue


Free range tourist = Someone walked in front of my shot


Beach Rat = Tourist


Filters = Camera sunglasses


Big Stopper = Milky water maker


Idiographer = Photographer who still goes out during lockdown


Part timer = Only shoots in good weather


Social engagement = Your partners failsafe way of telling you your not going out


I don't care I missed sunset = Inside I'm crying


Blue Hour = I couldn't wait for sunrise and got here early


Golden Hour = The time partners are programmed to ask you to do jobs


Slightly over done = Your picture made my eyes bleed


Blood Moon = Seven days of moon pics on instagram


Windy this weekend = See you at Porthcawl lighthouse


Private land = Photographers welcome


Light House = Photographers homing beacon


Repeat offender = Posts pictures of same sunset every day for three weeks from slightly different angle


Instagram Questions = Please interact with me


Instagram Poll = Identify people who secretly hate you


Silent Witness = Person who looks at everything you post on instagram but never comments or likes


North Dorset = The location given to anywhere when you don't want to reveal the real location.


Boomerang = The location you keep returning too


Low tide = Coastal strip show


Waterfall = Photographer jedi mind trick to make you only do long exposures


Ledge = Photographer sea magnet


Night Crawler = Astro Photographer


Lone Wolf = Photographer who only shoots alone, hates everyone


Squad = Photography group who insist on tagging everyone in everything, each, twice


Expose To The Right ETTR = I blew out my highlights


Underexposed = I got it badly wrong


High Contrast = I was shooting at mid day


Low Contrast = It was grey, I should have stayed at home


Saturation slider = Magic like button, pictures gain 100 plus extra likes, often overused


Insta Ruined = Your once quiet location now flooded with people, thanks Instagram


The Quiz Master = Never stops asking you questions


Rainbow picture = I got very wet to show you this


Waterproofs = Photographer invincibility cloak


Camo gear = Do not disturb


The Clown = Bright florescent gear, can be seen from moon


Plate spinner = Monopod user


The Flasher = Newbie who's flash pops up on every shot even in bright sunshine


The Beeper = The 2 second timer user who hasn't turned their volume off


The Tipsy Shooter = Wonky horizon offender


The Holy Roller = The angriest photographer alive, shouts Jesus Christ often when gear fails


Looks nice way over there = Please go away


Amazing light = The holy grail of the photographer


Non stop rain = Photography apocalypse


The Amnesiac = Constant offender of stealing your lens cloth, claims they forgot #Lies


The Del Boy = Always has something for sale


The Stunt Man = Member of your squad who falls over at any venue you visit


The Frog Man = The member of your squad who always gets wet feet at the coast


Michael Fish = Squad member who makes weather predictions and constantly gets it wrong


The Low Rider = Squad member who shoots everything at ground level


The Builder = Like the low rider, but with a builders bum on display constantly


Spray & Pray = Takes so many shots they fill memory cards in minutes


The Statue = Waits for the perfect shot refusing to move till they get it, Dedication


The Removal Man = Carries more gear than you thought possible, just in case.


Well I hope you all enjoyed the translations of landscape photographers and I hope you all take it in good humour as it was meant, absolutely no offence to anyone.

Trying to put a smile on your faces during these very tough times and have a giggle with each other.

I started this blog on my own but after about 60 I asked some fellow photographers to help me with them and they didn't disappoint, some great laughs were had by all and 90% of suggestions were deemed unprintable but a big thank you to all the lads who joined in and have been keeping us all entertained during lockdown.


If this blog has put a smile on your face then please share it with others and hopefully lift their spirits a bit too, everyone deserves a laugh in these tough times.


Keep smiling everyone, stay safe & stay inside.

Daniel Wretham


#Giggles #Photography #PhotographyBlog #Laughs #LandscapePhotographeyBlog #LandscapePhotography #PhotoTranslation #JustForLaughs #StayInside #StaySafe #Lockdown #LockdownLaughs #Covid19 #CoronaVirus #Instagram #Photoshop




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Dorset, United Kingdom | Email - Danielwrethamphotography@gmail.com   |  Phone - 07931 171 939